A widespread confusion
If someone were to ask you about the difference between desire and arousal, you would probably need a moment to think about it, right? These two elements of sexuality are often confused. Distinguishing them allows for a better understanding of the mechanisms at the heart of sexual interactions.Sexual Arousal: A Physical Response
Sexual arousal is an automatic, physiological reaction of the body in response to a real or imagined sexual stimulus. Our heart rate increases, blood vessels engorge, and erogenous zones are aroused. In men, this physical manifestation is an erection, while in women, it is vaginal lubrication.Arousal can be anticipated; the body activates at simple thoughts. It is also present during sexual activities, and plays a crucial role in the level of pleasure: intense sexual arousal increases the body's receptivity, amplifying pleasure.
To each their own desire
Desire, on the other hand, is a mental and emotional state. It expresses the urge to engage in sexual activity to satisfy an anticipated and desired pleasure in contact with another person. Desire is a subjective experience since it varies from one person to another. It is influenced by the person's preferences, past experiences, education, beliefs, and state of mind. It can also influence the pleasure felt during sexual activity.Can there be sexual arousal without desire or vice versa?
Although arousal and desire are usually associated, sometimes this is not the case. Your partner or conquest can be physically aroused without feeling desire, or feel desire without having a corresponding physical reaction. This phenomenon is actually quite common; it shows that sexuality is complex and influenced by multiple factors.This is why it is important not to interpret physical signs of sexual arousal as a desire to initiate or continue sexual activity. The notion of consent is now well integrated into minds and understood by the majority. Verbally validating your partner's desire to initiate or continue sexual activity is crucial.
It is also possible for desire to manifest itself without a complementary physical response. The physiological response of the body does not match the mental state of the person experiencing desire. In women, it is common for sexual arousal to not be accompanied by vaginal lubrication, for various reasons. Lubricants then play an important role in comfort and sexual pleasure. Don’t hesitate to use them!
Desire varies from person to person.
Libido mismatch is present in the majority of couples. Rest assured, it is normal even if it can be a source of conflict. Differentiating spontaneous desire from reactive desire provides clues to understanding this gap.Spontaneous desire is characterized by sudden urges while reactive desire arises as a response to stimulation. Knowing these desire tendencies helps us understand each other. Are you more of a spontaneous or reactive type? And your partner? These are interesting questions to ask.
If your partner has a different type of desire than you, don't feel guilty. Open communication and authenticity about your sexual wants and needs can ease the tensions created by these differences.
Feeding desire and overcoming obstacles
Desire is complex with psychological, emotional and relational components. Sexuality is a powerful driving force in a relationship. Some sexologists have also developed the concepts of desire gas and brakes. These concepts once again allow us to better understand each other since desire varies according to the person, but also according to the context.Think about what feeds your desire in relationship, as well as that of your partner. These reflexions are a good step towards a more fulfilling sex life. This conversation brings awareness and informs the other of what makes us vibrate sexually. Also identify the elements or behaviours that harm desire and work together to overcome them.
Sometimes, it is physical factors that hinder our sexual fulfilment. Floravi offers several products that promote sexual health. Developed with the help of health experts, our products are available in most major pharmacies throughout Quebec. Do not hesitate to ask your pharmacist or to navigate on our site to discover them.
Sources: Swiss Medical Review; La sexologue website; Little Feminist Sex Manual.